Sometimes we think we know the outcome based on the way the story’s played out so many times in the past. Not this time, though. I’m doing it differently. I’ve lived a little, learned a little. I’ve loved and been alone with myself enough to constitute A Course in Me, similar to A Course in Miracles. I’ve written the Table of Contents in prose and poetry, am yet writing of what I’m learning. Been blessed enough to have looked in on so many other lovers loving, so much so until I can practically tell some of their stories, too.
Now you know I can’t assure you of what’s on tomorrow’s itinerary on the subject, but when you step out of the floodlights this time, Love, I’ll not be the one to walk away. Think I’ll play it as if my parents arranged our meeting, like I don’t have a choice but to love, no matter who she is. Yep, I’ll play it like I trusted that Mama and Daddy knew me well enough to leave my heart in your hands. We both know they’d never have done that. No, I can’t be sure Mama was homophobic, considering she transitioned before I reached the twelfth grade, but a sonorous suspicion assures me Daddy wouldn’t have accepted a woman, on bended knee, engagement ring blinging for me. Here, I’d be remiss though, if I didn’t confess, in his older years, he accepts me as a lesbian, although I think he cradles the thought that dishonorable men contributed to my choices.
You know, Love, I adore that part in the song where David pauses and mellows his voice, readying us for the sweet sadness before he sings, “I’m gonna walk away from love…before love…breaks my heart.” Something about the submission in his timbre threatens to break my heart for him, because his emotions are riding his sleeve so precariously.
Be that what it is, I’m not leaving nor am I letting anyone break my heart. I hold the power over my heart. Hell, my heart can’t be broken. Not any more. That was yesterday. David broke his own heart believing that love could do that. His belief shattered his heart. I now believe we leave love when we don’t want to go deep, when we give up on falling through layers and stages of love. If you’re clinging to me tighter, that’s a strong indication we should be willing to stay, and being willing is half the battle, is it not? Sure, I understand it’s a song, but the words and the emotion keep the tune ringing in my head, in my heart. Guess I’m no longer fearing being vulnerable with you.
Life is too grand to keep fleeing you, Love. Can’t leave this time around without freefalling into you. So, c’mon. Find me. I won’t be looking for you. I have faith in you. Energetically, I’ll be doing something, hopefully something I’m loving, and you’ll introduce yourself. Then we’re going to love. You know I’m ready. You’ve been grooming me for a while now. Check this though. If you don’t find me, it’s all good. I love me, and as such, I love life. So when you come, (and I hope I’m on the dance floor) walk up and say, “Hello, Love! Let’s dance.”
(c) Claudia Moss 4/23/2015